It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
