I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There's even glitter on my cock...
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