As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
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my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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