I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
