But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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