I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
