Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
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I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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