Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
