Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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