Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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