Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
