If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
His nipple licking is glorious
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