I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability