I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
