No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
