He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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