everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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