I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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