How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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