FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
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I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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