When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
