I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
