Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
