So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
