Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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