Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
