its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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