Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
