She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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