Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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