i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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