so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
