Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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