im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
