i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
