Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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