i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i think i have two assholes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
