I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
