I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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