As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
