she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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