I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
