i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
