This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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