She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
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and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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