He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
