Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
