I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
