take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
