Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
