So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
