You made me cry and you don't even care
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
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Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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