So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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