I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
