So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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