The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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